I'm not sure how to deal with Brian's depression anymore. We've been engaged for well over a month now but he's become such a negative person. And this is all day every day. Don't get me wrong. I get some of it. His family isn't doing too well and as a result the depression kicked in. The problem is that because of the negativity, he has pushed a lot of it onto us which is leading to a ton of fights between us which isn't helping him and isn't helping me. I'm not happy. I used to be happy. I really did. But how am I suppose to be happy when I can't be happy with him or around him, especially when he's so negative all the time.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't with him. I know that's kinda mean but it's the truth. I can't seem to be creative or excited or anything lately without his negativity shining on in.

I've been craving home a lot lately. I don't think it is necessarily Boston I've been craving, or even really the people. I think it's more the feeling of the city when I'm upset to help make me happy again. To head down to Charles River at BU Central and walk around, staring up at the city line that I remember oh so well. Maybe I just need a vacation. IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK. 

I have the sudden feeling that I'm happier alone. I know that it's horrible to say but I can't get that thought out of my head. What sucks more is the fact that my hand issues don't exactly help much. That's okay though. I can deal with the physical pain.

 Its funny how a song will bring you back to a specific moment in time, if only for an instant. While I wasn't going to start this entry that way, that is what I wrote anyways. Blame the song I'm listening to. So, I've got two weeks before the film premiere and the film isn't fully edited yet. Go figure that I'd wait till the last minute to finish it up. I'm okay with this oddly enough because pressure works so much better than anything else with me. Besides, I hate to nitpick and that's what I'd do if it were done right now. But suffice it to say, I'm in the home stretch with this one. The after party location has finally been figured out, signage has been steadily going out around town, and we've been getting tons of requests lately which makes me happy. Even Beau Bridges has one of my post cards thanks to my roommate seeing him at a bar a few days ago haha. I'm pretty sure that this film will go off easily enough. Especially after the 3 page email I sent to the cast/crew the other day outlining EVERYTHING! haha.

So, I'm dating two boys at the moment. I can't decide. I like them both. I figure they can fight over me and then the winner I will date. That makes sense, right? Of course it does. Went out with Derek last night (though it was so not a date because he brought his business partner along and I was well...drunk to say the least...blame the Bruins) and tonight is with Seth. I think Seth is cuter. Derek and I have more in common. But both are extremely easy to talk to. Seth is 20 and Derek is 25, which makes me older than both of them. I'm okay with that. If I were 30 then i'd feel worse but i'm only 25 so its acceptable. The best part is both are coming to the premiere and after party (Derek works at that club haha) so I'm not sure what would happen. I doubt any type of drama will happen. (They both know how important the premiere is to me) and knowing my luck they'll just end up fucking each other haha. Oh, remind me to give Seth his sweatshirt back haha. (Its REALLY comfortable)

Oh I got a semi part time job teaching martial arts classes once a week. Its a commission thing but is quite a bit of money that I'm planning on using haha. For instance, tomorrow night I'm teaching up in Jacksonville and making over $100 for three 45min classes :)

Okay, I should start getting ready. 

 It's weird to think my latest film is almost done with production. I think this is because usually it takes 3-4 months to film up north because of snow and down here it takes less than a month. I've been networking like woah lately and its starting to pay off. An executive at DreamWorks could possibly be looking at my film. To say that this is extremely important is an understatement. On a less frightening note, its looking like another premiere! I have to finish up the paperwork and hand them the check but Thalian Hall is looking like the venue of choice this time around. (If you've seen season one of Dawson's Creek then you'll know it...it was the Rialto where Dawson and the rest go to in the pilot or sometime around there...)

I somehow realized the other day that my 5 year college reunion is next year...odd to think that that much time has past but i guess it has. Knowing my luck I'll be the only one not married with children which is okay by me for sure. I want to be able to play some more before settling down, especially now that film is going so well for me.

 for a very brief second, i remembered how her kiss tasted. It was weird because I wasn't thinking of it. In fact I haven't thought much of her at all recently. But for a brief moment, I remembered. then tonight I was looking at a photo. She wasn't in it but that doesn't really matter because that evening was all about me and her, regardless of who is in it. it could be the reason why I keep it hung up in my room. It's pretty much always been in my room...at least since it was taken that many years ago. It reminds me of a time I was that much more of a romantic. That night was a night to remember. With all the sexual tension, both positive and negative, we ultimately couldn't help but be in love. In that hotel room for that one night, I knew.

 pink or green...that is the question. Kathy Sue is convinced that the kitchen needs to be gelled green and I think pink. when looking over the test footage, I still think pink makes more sense...

Watch and tell me what you think:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eepnT3oxHe8

 So life is pretty much back to normal, which is nice. I started re-watching Felicity, which I know that most people would think is a normal thing for me to watch as I used to watch all those teen based dramas, however I haven't in years. It took me a few episodes to get into it but its nice to feel something I usually don't feel. Let me preface this by stating that teen based dramas used to hit me emotionally and as a result gave me a physical high, sort of like those feelings of being in love or something like that. Any who, I started feeling that again last night which is kind of cool. Leah used to give me that feeling but since New Years I lost that. So It's a good thing to have at the moment. 

Work is going crazyyyyyyy. I love working with my co-teacher though. It would just be nice to have standards again...or rather be told what these standards are. Often times, they don't tell us what they are then make comments about them thinking we should know them. It's frustrating. 

I'm quite excited to start filming Sex and Drugs in March. This film is quite different than the last two. Unlike the others, this film is purely for an adult audience. This means more of all the other things everyone likes to film :P

 ...or rather I wish I could afford to live alone. My roommate decided to move out after one fight!  And it was a fight over nothing. Weird to say the least. But I think it's for the best. I'm moving down the street from where I am now, and the place is larger. I'll finally have cable again which is nice and I'll be able to film in it :) Trust me, this roommate that just uped and left was probably the most awkward of any roommates I've ever had. She was fine having her GF over but I can't have any friends over to hang. I bet it has to do with the many many pills she is taking for what looks like depression and anxiety. I'm just glad it's over. haha.

Aside from this small setback my film is going well. We start filming March 4 and having Kathy Sue and Colin on board for crew which makes things very very easy on me haha. I'm excited to start directing again though last years film nearly destroyed me. 16 days of filming was way to much on both myself and a cast/crew to bare with so this year we are filming in 5 days. For a 34 page script, it's oddly looking like it will turn out to be a 45 min to 1 hour film which is nice. Kathy Sue is overjoyed to take on a DP role and is sometimes too enthusiastic. I'll have to be sure that her shot sheets match up with mine and the overall look and feel of the film.

Otherwise, life is going well in NC. I'm the toddler lead teacher for a childcare program here and my co-teacher is pretty cool and down to earth (something I'm oddly not used to haha) I went home to Boston in December and was more than glad to come back here. There is just something about Boston that turns me off haha. Though it is much easier to get around in Boston. Clearly, my reasons for really coming home were to spend some more time with Leah. It worked well for the first week but then as per usual, she got cold feet and did something stupid again. I don't blame her for that nor would I but it really would've been nice to have the happy ending once in a while. Oh well, time to move on...yet again...It was nice though to have one amazing night at the Somerville Theater haha. We saw love and other drugs and her and i loved the film so much and it got us "heated" and we made out by the gallery of bad art or whatever its called. haha.

 It's been a weird few weeks as of late. A week or two before thanksgiving, Leah and I started talking again. Since then, we haven't been able to stop talking haha. We talk via gchat (thanks to our phones and whatnot) all day every day. In fact I just talked to her. She's at a bar haha. We've been getting extremely close. So close in fact that her and I are basically spending my two weeks in Boston together. I'll admit that I'm very excited about this.

So for the last month or so I've been going to the gym. 4-5 days a week. I've started to notice many changes in my body which is exciting. (I hope Leah likes it haha)

 1. I think I'm going to be dating the Port City Java girl. I'm fairly certain of this.
2. the one time I meet someone I like...all of a sudden Morgan returns out of the blue. (Once I ignore people they apparently contact me. However, I am so blowing her off tonight. She can have a taste of it for once.)
3. I'm having a hard time connecting to the play I'm in. I think its just nerves. I'm just hoping that I'll figure it out by the end of the weekend before the two tech weeks begin. I blame the director for not being hands on. How can someone direct from sitting behind a table the whole night? Grrr....
4. Halloween is coming up. I hate this holiday. It's an excuse for people to dress up like children and drink a lot. 
5. My film comes out in a few weeks. I actually need to concentrate on this and finish it up. Most of it is done, it's really just finishing touches. I plan on spending ALL of next week getting it ready.
6. I kind of want to go to Port City Java right now but she's very tired because she's working a double and isn't getting out till 12:30 and has to work at 9:30am

 I think I'm convinced that this play is going to be the end of me. I think that I'm just used to rehearsals in which you get stuff done, but this director thinks that memorizing blocking once without going over it again is okay. Maybe its just me but I can't remember what happened two weeks ago on a scene that we practiced once. Oi...its like COF all over again, well except for no crazy amounts of people i dated in the same production haha.

On a happy note, I DO have control on the picture for the poster. Yay for having equipment and making sure that it will look great tonight! Haha. 

I think I'm probably just spoiled from True Colors and my own two film productions as to how to make sure everyone knows what is going on and practice practice practice.